How Do You Say 'No' to Your Kids?

Moms Talk is a new feature on Patch that is part of a new initiative on our sites to reach out to moms and families.

Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for mothers and their families right here in the East Windsor-Hightstown-Cranbury area.

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council—Susan Masone, Siri Heinrichs, Cristina Fowler, Christine O'Brien and our intrepid columnist Lauren Kim—takes your questions, gives advice and shares their solutions to the problems vexing all of us..

Have a question you would like to share, or just want to provide your opinion on the question of the week? Head over to the comments section to do just that.

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today with the following question: 

How do you say no to your children, and how do you avoid caving in to pressure from them to say yes?

And our expert moms offer some advice:

Lauren Kim: Moms will probably hate me for saying this, but I don’t have much of a discipline problem (at least so far) with my daughters, but they are only 7. They are very good and almost always ask me for permission for even the littlest of things. (But I am not saying that they are 100% perfect, of course.)   But when I do have to put my foot down and say no, I find that the best strategy is to be consistent about the rules I am enforcing and not to waiver. When I say no, I try to stick to it and not give in. (Despite their sad little faces.) It also helps to have a united front with my husband -- kids know how to play moms and dads if one is the heavy and one is a softie who always gives in. (I can’t claim to be the heavy, though -- that title definitely goes to my husband.) It also helps to explain why I am saying no -- that way, my kids might be able to understand (maybe) my actions and not see my decisions as random and nonsensical. If parents don’t stick to their guns and aren’t consistent or reasonable with their rules, children will be less likely to follow them.   I also have it easier because my daughters are twins -- in most cases, if I say one daughter is not allowed to do something, the other is not allowed, either. I think families with children of varying ages have it tougher because the youngest kids often want to do exactly what their siblings are doing, even if their brothers and sisters are 2, 3 or 4 years older.

Susan Masone: How do I say no to my children.....let me count the ways.   I would love to say I just say no and the little angels just accept my answer as gospel and we move on our way.  However, it is not that simple.  I have spent many years trying new methods.   It started when they were little and not only did I say no a dozen times on the same subject...I would continually give them a logical mature reason why the answer is no.  Well...this obviously did not always work.   My second method of "no" was saying the word in a LOUD AND SLOW voice.  Not only did that not work...that tone was returned back to me in the same manner.  Not a good situation.   My current method of saying no is to just say no...give a brief yet concise rational why I say no...and then explain to them that the ultimate decision is theirs.  However, if they choose to make an inappropriate decision after knowing what I have explained, then I get to make the ultimate decision on their fate. An example of this is ...getting ready to go to the bus in the a.m.  Since I do not dictate what time the bus arrives...I can only be the gatekeeper of informing them of their a.m. checklist. If they choose not to complete everything on that list from brushing their teeth....to packing their lunch....then I get to decide what the the outcome will be when they get home from school. I realize that they are children with certain limitations...but it is a nice lesson to learn that we all have certain responsibilities ranging in getting shoes on, showing up on time, taking care of teeth and hair, attending class, going to work, following through on promises, paying bills etc, etc. Everything in life is a lesson. Everything in life is a decision. We do not always make the right decisions...but at least we can learn from everything we do.    I would like to tell you that my latest method is working, but I do not think I will know that answer until I am a grandmother and I see my girls in action on their own.

Siri Heinrichs: The answer depends on the age of the child.  For my youngest (under 2 years) I try to only say no when he is in a dangerous situation, like getting too close to the stove.  The rest of the time I try to redirect his attention.  He's young enough that he quickly forgets what he was originally going after.   For my middle child, I will often find a way to say no but in a positive way.  For example, if they ask to stay up later to spend more time with me, I might say, “Not tonight, but tomorrow we can try working on that puzzle together.”  It turns a negative response into something positive.  For my oldest, she gets a combination of the first two choices, but I also think it's important for her to hear the word no (and equally important to understand why, if possible).  Kids need to understand that money doesn't grow on trees and mommy isn't a taxi driver or a short order cook!

Christine O'Brien: My husband and I believe that a logical explanation should be given to our children when they are told “no” to a request or behavior.   Our 13 year old and 10 year old are at the age where they can understand logic.  If the children have a good understanding of the reason why their request was denied or a behavior corrected, it is easier for them to accept it.  As long as the reason is logical, the children seem okay with accepting it.  

Cristina Fowler: If I was asked this question four years ago, when my oldest was just turning two, I would simply answer that after using a gentle but stern tone, my bright eyed daughter would gleefully accept my answer.  Fast forward to present day.  Bright eyed daughter is now a determined and independent six year old accompanied by a willful four year old brother.  And while it’s far easier to just “yes”, my husband and I decided early on that No means NO and not MAYBE or SOMETIMES.
 
At our current stage, my children are aware of how both my husband and I will respond to most of their requests.    For example, when they assume our response to their request will be a NO, they precede their request with suggestions or compromises or even promises.  While we admire their effort, the answer of No, remains No despite their earnest efforts.  We believe, as their parents, it’s our responsibility to exercise consistency and hold firm.  Most often, both our children will try to persuade us to change our minds, but if we explain our reasoning behind our NO, eventually (and by “eventually” I mean hours later) they accept the answer and are on to their next request.  
 
Consistency and clarity are essential.  If we give in just once, it opens us up for the "but" statements (e.g., but last time you said no we still did it).   So far this is working for our family.  Ask me again in another 4 years!

Now it's your turn: How do you say no?