Moms Q&A: Cliques

Moms Talk is a new feature on Patch that is part of a new initiative on our sites to reach out to moms and families.

Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for mothers and their families right here in the East Windsor-Hightstown-Cranbury area.

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council — Susan Masone, Siri Heinrichs, Cristina Fowler, Christine O'Brien and our intrepid columnist Lauren Kim — takes your questions, gives advice and shares solutions to the problems vexing all of us.

Have a question you would like to share, or just want to provide your opinion on the question of the week? Head over to the comments section to do just that.

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today with the following question:

Cliques: Do they start at a younger age these days, and how do you help your child deal with them?

Susan Masone: Do they start at an younger age these days? Oh, yeah. I was talking to friends who I have known for almost 40 years. I had to ask the question... When we were growing up, were we in the "cool clique," "the nerdy clique"or  the "mean clique?" I could not remember. They all said the same thing. There were no cliques. Sure, we had our little group that we hung out with, but we also were involved in other groups on our own. We agreed that we did not feel alienated out of someone else's group and we did not feel as if we alienated anyone out of our group.

It seemed to be much more relaxed then. Our parents were not involved in our everyday activities, so we just handled our situations ourselves. And you know what? We all seem to have pulled through without any issues. Well, almost any issues :)

Siri Heinrichs: I don't know if they start at a younger age... so far I haven't encountered them with my daughter. I don't really know how I will advise her when the time comes, but I'd like to think that I will tell her that it isn't nice to exclude other people, and ask her to think about how she would feel in the same situation (if she was a part of the clique). If she is being excluded from a clique and that is bothering her, I'd ask her to remember that feeling should she ever be in the same situation, and have her focus on the good friends she does have.

Christine O’Brien: We really haven’t really had any experience with this. We try to teach our kids to be open-minded and be friendly to everyone.

Lauren Kim: My daughters are both 8, and so far, I haven’t noticed any cliques. I remember that when I was a kid, cliques began popping up when I was in the seventh grade. I’ve heard from parents of older girls, however, that cliques start up at an earlier age these days.

I try to teach my girls that they should treat others with respect and that they should treat others as they would like to be treated, so hopefully, they won’t be the ones that are excluding others from
their friendship circles.

If they ever find themselves excluded from a clique, I would counsel them to be nice/friendly to those in the clique, but not to take it too hard — not everyone in your life is going to like you, no matter how nice you may be. And if a clique continued to spurn them, I would advise them that mean girls (or boys) are not worth their time — that there are plenty of people in this world to be friends with.

In the unfortunate circumstance that a clique’s behavior got exceptionally unruly or mean, I would look into getting school professionals involved.

Cristina Fowler: Thus far, my daughter has not dealt with the issue of cliques. Now, that is not to say that there aren't cliques; it's just that my daughter is very much an independent young girl not bothered by others. For example, last year she was thrilled when a fellow classmate explained to her that all the terrible things she said about her were no longer true and that she would let my daughter be her friend. Horrified, I swallowed my urge to run to the school, but instead explained to my daughter that if someone speaks poorly of you, then perhaps they are not a good friend to be with. I am certain as my daughter gets older this will be a bigger issue, but for now, I try to instill in her to be polite and considerate to everyone but to stay firm in her opinion regardless of what others say or do.